I hate Indoor Soccer

Just the one yellow card for me last night then. There was the usual getting hacked down like a dog when I’m running into a scoring position. Sure enough it’s a free kick but then they’ve stopped the flow and have time to resettle. It’s also a chance to injure me. Why play by the rules when you can just foul me? According to FIFA, if you ‘deny an obvious goalscoring opportunity to an opponent moving towards the player’s goal by an offence punishable by a free kick or a penalty kick’ you get a red card. That means you get sent off the field and cannot be replaced by a substitute. If you’re lucky and it mightn’t have been a really obvious scoring position, then you might get away with a yellow card. Not in indoor soccer though, in indoor it’s a nifty strategy.

There was an incident when I had the ball and was moving up the field. An opposition player barged straight into me and hit me in the face with his open palm. I politely objected to this manner of play and my opponents reply was to tell me to get **** and then he gave me a shove. The referee walked over and I thought, ‘OK, an enforcer of the laws of soccer. Someone who’s actually been trained in the ways of the game. Sure, I don’t know what he was doing with those fouls against me but this is an obvious case of gross misconduct.’

The referee gave me a yellow card and the opposition a free kick. I told him I had been hit in the face but he just gave me a glazed expression and walked off.

Later in the game the scores were locked at two all and there was a bit of a scramble in the opposition goalsquare. The ball rolled out a bit and I was just about to kick it in the goal (it was about 4cm out on a bit of an angle). My opponent (the same one who hit me) dived on the ground and clasped the ball to his chest with his hands! Seeing as I was about to kick the ball with my feet (the game being soccer, after all) and he dived right at my feet I tripped over him and landed on his back. A complete accident. I got up and instantly apologized but the guy just swore at me again. I noticed some of his teammates come towards me and Paladin mode kicked in. I dashed in between two of them so I was no longer surrounded while some of my teammates edged closer. Lacking a weapon I brought my hands to a loose Mortal Kombat style position of defence but they didn’t start a fight, probably due to my swift bailing.

The referee walked in and gave a penalty (he did, after all, obviously handle the ball in the penalty area). According to FIFA if you ‘deny the opponent and obvious goalscoring opportunity by deliberately handling the ball’ you get a red card. Of course, in indoor it’s a different matter. It goes from me having a shot 4cm out to something that looks a bit like this:

Once again a useful strategy. The keeper saved the penalty. I went for the bottom corned and hit it well but too close to the keeper. Sean Murdoch (who was filling in) told me a similar thing happened to his team. The ball was bouncing towards the open goal and one of the other players just knocked it out with his hand. The ref just said it’s not a red in indoor. I bet if I did that the full force of the law would come down on me. Can anyone back me up on this? Sammy? Dave? It’s not just me is it? I’ve played outdoor soccer all my life and never had a problem with any referee, never had a card of any sort either.

After the game the referee came over to me and said, ‘next time don’t push him in the back!’ I replied, ‘You saw me triup over him, he dived right at my feet. What about when I got hit in the face?’ The ref just shook his head and smiled. I told him to ‘get of here, just **** off.’ That could lead to serious trouble if he reports it to the centre and he’s actually allowed to give me a card still then (he obviously doesn’t know the rules though). That’s what should have happened to Harry Kewell after he abused the ref at the end of the Brazil game in the World Cup. That referee didn’t know the rules either. I normally wouldn’t have done that but I didn’t care, I’m moving to Perth after all.

So in summary, one thing I won’t miss when I leave is Indoor Soccer. it’s not even Soccer really. I guess that’s why people just call it indoor.

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~ by Hooly on January 23, 2007.

12 Responses to “I hate Indoor Soccer”

  1. Haha! Awesome story! I would’ve liked more blood though, and maybe a few John Jarratt stares, but all in all it was a pleasant read. I got fired up reading it actually. I wish I was there so I could do a flying kick into that guys temple.

  2. I’m assuming we’re talking BVAC, so yes. I have had many many encounters with shit refs at BVAC. Currently there are only 2 decent ones. Who was the douche ref this time? Fodder??? He is a shit ref of the highest order. Now Fat Ref, or John as he was more obscurely known, fat ref was a ref you could count on. He never really paid much attention to the rules, sometimes he would even join in the game himself, but he always held the spirit of the game in high esteem. If you acted like a tool, within the rules or otherwise, he would penalise you….for acting like a tool.

  3. It was that Mark guy with the kinda-mullet. The one that was in the paper last year because he got beaten up by a player after one match and needed reconstructive surgery (I swear it wasn’t me!). Where’s Serge when you need him? Now he’s a ref! He would look after me because I’m his friend (granted, he does refer to everyone as ‘my friend’).

  4. man, i do not miss the days of indoor. I’ve always maintained that. It is not a fair or fun competition. That’s all i’ve got to say. I could go on for about 2,350,971,351 more words, but i won’t.

  5. Mate, sounds awful. I’m glad I couldn’t make it this week! I always find myself trying to calm myself down. Wouldn’t happen in the UK – we don’t play with flat balls…

    Perhaps we should reenact it this afternoon ?

  6. Thanks for the sympathy Matt and Jon. I find I have to calm myself down as well. The angriest I ever get is when I play Soccer and that’s when I start swearing and just go off my nut.

    Tom Duck is quite keen to start an indoor team over in Perth. I’ll see how I go. I learnt to play Soccer by playing indoor at Surfside. I still go back there occasionly and they’re always really good skillful games so there’s hope yet.

  7. Bring Back Serge! I love that guy!
    “Soccer is a game of skill, lets keep it to that.”
    – Serge.

  8. Ah Hooly. What an epic, terrible(in the true sense of the word, not “That story is bad” sense), horrifying tale. BVAC has many issues, but surely the referees are the main one.

    When someone gets hit with an open palm across the face, and the victim gets a card, then someone, if not everyone, should suffer the wrath of a madman weilding a flame-thrower. And the lack of cards in situations whick CLEARLY call for them is inexcusible. I’m always telling Ed to calm down at ‘indoor’, but deep down i’m a ticking time bomb waiting to explode in a large catastrophy of REF FURY. Be afraid….

  9. I swear they are lucky I left because next game I would have just walked in shooting.

  10. Sometimes they deserve it Kennedy. Like that dude who did like 8 stepovers in a row, heading towards OUR goal, he deserved to be fouled. Still, I’ve only ever got 2 yellow cards in 8 years. That’s fairly decent. Oh I did get sent off for 5 minutes by fat ref, but so did the other bloke.

  11. BTWhow is the unco left handed typing going Slime? I told Vee about the Pinata and she suggested a montage, which begins with you futily attempting to crack it open with the hitting stick, sobbing in failure, and then crecendoes into you running past rows and rows of massive pinatas (far bigger and tougher to penetrate than the one we bought you) smashing them into millions of pieces (small mexican children weeping for their dead “pets” on the sidelines); you’re screaming blood curdling screams. It ends with the shot of you, breathing heavily, eyeballing the pinata we gave you, then looking down at your rejuvenated shoulder and flexing, at which point the pinata disintegrates without you so much as touching it. I thought it was a good idea anyway.

    PS: Sorry jules for using your blog to communicate with sk, but he doesn’t have his own blog.

  12. I like. No. I love! Especially the small Mexicans. One of them must be named Octavio.

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